miller's crossing

 

How do I allow myself to get so sidetracked from what I need to do in this life? The conversations we have while waking are no more lucid than those when we sleep. Truth slips in, but do we really know enough to distinguish delusion from truth?

After days of cloudiness, both outside and inside, it is sunny. I see the future stretch in front of me, but the view is still obscured by reflections of the past. Superimposed glimpses of a stupid and brilliant self. (I am for myself when I should be for others and for others when I should be for myself.) A muddied palette of baby-poop brown and sickly yellow and murky ultramarine. What can be distilled from that mess?

Things are changing fast now -- what I want, what I don't want. Things are changing. They do that.

So, I haven't written much here. No new photos. I wonder what the point is for keeping this space.

Today, I feel like pasting my insides up on these pages like wallpaper. Cover the white pages with the ugly beauty of my human guts -- the emotions of my interior spread out for all to see. Myself flayed. ... But, really, who has the time for that messy decorating project?

There is so much life to live out there. That's what I hear. Occassionally, I get hints of it through friends and acquaintances who have embraced things. What's the first step? Where do I take myself on this the first day of 2007?

I feel good today afterall. Last night's indulgences are sitting well now. Satisfied. Content. What's next?